The Faramir Variety Hour
by Faramir Fancier
Summary: Faramir's got his own TV show and Boromir provides comedy that no one really gets! If you've read 'has the apocalypse come yet' you'll understand it better. With field trips to other places in M.E., interviews, and other fun stuff! Read and Review!
1. Default Chapter

A/N: Hey! I did write the TV fic, so here's the intro chapter! Enjoy, my buddies and old friends!!! WOOT!!

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**_The Faramir Variety Hour_**  
  
**Episode 1 of the Primetime Years**  
  
**Take 1  
  
**"Ok, is this thing on? Why is there a red blinking light? What brand is this?" Boromir asks, looking into a video camera.  
  
"I think it's on." Faramir says. "And it's a GondorVison 2.0."

"We couldn't get the version 8.9? That's supposed to be really good!"

"Well, we don't have that much money..."

"Ok, whatever."

"Now that we're all poor and we're on primetime or whatever...just I think that camera's on."  
  
"Really? That would explain that blinking light that says, 'On air'." Boromir says. "Take it away, little bro."  
  
"Can you stop calling me little bro?"  
  
"Well, you are my little bro."  
  
"Yeah, whatever. I've been thinking, do you know what time this show airs?"  
  
"Well, we record at noon daily..."  
  
"OH MY GOD!! PRIMETIME IS MIDNIGHT??????" Faramir says, looking at TV Guide.  
  
"What? Your boss said we're airing at 5:00 PM!" Boromir says.  
  
"I can't believe it! That's about the biggest betrayal ever since dad tried to burn me!" Faramir says, tossing TV Guide against the wall.

"Shame, I missed that day...I would have got front row seats..."

"I really hate you. All you ever do is hurt my feelings!"  
  
"Chill, man!" Boromir says.  
  
"You know what? Everywhere I go, people gyp me of my rights! First, everyone tells me, _'Be more like Boromir, Faramir!' 'Solve problems with a sword, not with words, Faramir!' 'Go kill everyone out there because they aren't helping Gondor, Faramir!'_ Well, I'm sick of it!" Faramir says.  
  
"Er, perhaps you should calm down?" Boromir says.

"I told dad anger management doesn't work! But it was just, _'Stop complaining, Faramir!' 'You're a sissy, Faramir!' 'Go take a long walk off a short pier, Faramir!!'_"

"Take a long walk off a short pier? That's a good one. Who said that?"

"Dad."

"He's a funny guy, that Denethor! Take a long walk off a short pier, honestly!"  
  
"Take off, ok? I'm sick of it!" Faramir moans, walking offstage.  
  
"Well, er...we really can't broadcast now that our host is gone...so let me thank our sponsors...The Lorien Art Foundation, providing Art for the Future...the Rohan Memorial Fund, providing funding and donations to the tombs of Snowmane, Theoden, Hama, and all those who died in the Battle of Helm's Deep and the Pelennor Fields...and the Gondorian Swordarms Society...that means me...what?" Boromir says, reading off an index card.  
  
"I'm sick of you and you and you!!!" Faramir yells off stage, as some producers and other people look scared to death.  
  
"Tune in next time." Boromir says.

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A/N: Hey, hoped you liked it. I did. I know it was short, but I'm sorry. I love you all if you review! Go and do so now!!


	2. The Lineup of Stuffs Pretaining and Rela...

A/N: Hey, y'all, I'm back!! Ok, you all rock but I don't love you, my heart belongs to Faramir...and no one else, but you all rock in your own ways. Go you. Oh, yeah, go you!!! Enjoy my latest!! And look for more soon!!

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**The Faramir Variety Hour  
Episode 2 of the Primetime Years  
Take 2**

"Ok, I'm back, I've done my yoga, and I'm recharged and calm." Faramir says.

"That's right, tell them you can do it! You are special in your own way!" Boromir says.

"Where'd you get that?" Faramir asks.

"Self-help book #2: Raising your Spirits." Boromir says.

"Really?"

"Believe it, man."

"Ok. Anyway, in this episode, actually, the continuation of that really bad take in which I let all my anger out on the world..."

"The world thanks you, I'm sure."

"Oh, be quiet!"

"Sorry, bro."

"Ok. This is the list of all the events we have lined up for the Primetime Years! Listen to this! This is all the little features we're gonna have on my show! Ready?? Ok. We have: 'Mr. Nature with Legolas', 'The Former Steward Clip of the Night','A Tour of Rohan with Eomer', 'BritCom/MidCom hosted by Elrond', 'Battle of the Bands', 'Fung Sheui (or however you spell that) with Frodo', 'Cooking with Sam', 'Car Shopping with Aragorn and Denethor','Movie Going with Us, Celebrity Interviews', 'Best Romantic Movies with Aragorn and Arwen', 'LotR Poker Showdown', and 'Bed and Breakfast Bests with Eowyn and Faramir'." Faramir says.

"Wow. So, you and Eowyn are back together?"

"Well, after Arwen came back from wherever she was, she wasn't too happy with Aragorn, but they made up and everything is Ok."

"Except for you."

"I wouldn't say that..."

"Because Eowyn will kick your keister if you do."

"Without a doubt!"

"Ok. Shouldn't we have our first guest?"

"I see no reason to."

"Little Bro, this isn't a 'let's all watch Bori and Fari talk' show, it's a 'let's watch Fari talk to famous people' show!"

"Well, it's MY show!"

"And the PBS station is paying you good money to talk to famous people!"

"Ok, whatever.... When people yell at me, I don't get mad..."

"Anyway, let's get our first guest on the screen...we don't have anyone lined up, Little Bro."

"Can you stop calling me Little Bro? I hate it, alright??"

"Sorry. Ok, I'm totally sorry."

"You always say that! But anyway, we're going to talk about my Favorite place ever!"

"Oh, the Kitty Kat Klub?"

"No, you idiot, that was Dad's place, I've never set foot in there and see no reason to."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far..."

"OK!!! Anyway, we're going to talk about...Montreal!!!"

"Montreal? Where the heck is Montreal??"

"Montreal is a large city in Quebec. It's almost all in French, which is why I hate it."

"But you said it was your fave place?"

"Yeah, I'm a liar."

"Anyway, can't you tell us about Montreal?"

"I really don't want to."

"Then why are we talking, Bro?"

"YOU-----"

"Hey, I just called you Bro, not Little Bro."

"GRRRRR...."

"Anyway, I think that's enough of this show for the day..."

Faramir is offstage breaking glass and china objects and throwing water balloons at crew people and giving the camera short circuits.

"Er, funding is provided by...the Pyros R Us league, the Rohan Rap group, and S.U.B.S.: Shire Underage Banning of Sales. That makes no sense. Leave it to the halflings..." Boromir says.

The Camera short circuits and the screen is dark.

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A/N: You like? Anyway, get back to me soon!! Review!! Review!!! You rock!! Go you!!


	3. Mr Nature with Legolas!

A/N: Here it is! Introducing the first show where anything actually happens! Excitingly exciting!!

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**The Faramir Varity Hour**

**Episode Two: Learning about Birds in Eryn Lasgalen!**

"Hey howdy hey, home viewers! We've really got a treat for you tonight! The treat is called...Learning About Birds with Mr. Nature!!!" Faramir says. "And we got a new camera: IthilVision 3000!!"

"I can't believe we got some crackpot old Elf to teach us about Birds! How stupid do you have to be to not know about birds??" Boromir mutters.

"Ok. Let's all pretend we didn't hear that and step outside our loverly studio, a.k.a. the Basement, and step into the light of day!!" Faramir says, donning a safari hat and vest.

"I can't believe this." Boromir mutters, somewhat less enthusiastically.

"Here we are outside my house, in the bustling metropolis of...." Faramir starts, but becomes cut off by a crazy biker zooming down the streets.

"Hey! Watch where you're going!!" Faramir screams.

The biker does the one-fingered salute and continues on his merry way.

"GAH! Moving on...the bustling metropolis of Minas Tirith, where I'm the Steward! Now, you may not think that this is dangerous..."

"But as Faramir demonstrated, the city is a dangerous place and you should never scream at a biker." Boromir says.

"Whatever. Let's just move on towards Eryn Lasgalen with utmost speed!" Faramir says, setting off down the streets.

_About 20 minutes later..._

"I never knew how out of shape I was until that walk." Faramir says, looking red in the face and tired.

"Tell...me...about...it." Boromir wheezes, stumbling upon the scene.

"Ok, we just have to walk through the gate..."

Suddenly, a person comes up to them.

"Care for some water?" She asks.

"Er, sure!" Boromir says, taking the free bottle of water.

"Thanks for supporting the Ithilien Rangerettes Troop #198!" The girl says.

"We have a girl scout troop?"

"Mr. Faramir, sir, are you going into the woods?" The girl asks.

"Why, yes we are!" Boromir replies.

"You're not Mr. Faramir, you git, so shut up." The girl says.

"Well, yeah, we are." Faramir replies.

"Ok. Just checking..." The girl says and runs back to her troop, 198, where they start to whisper hurriedly and glance back at Faramir and laugh.

"Anyway..." Faramir says, refreshed with his water and walking out the gate.

"Stupid brat!" Boromir mutters, tossing his empty water bottle at the girls and knocking the offending one out.

"Hey! I don't want a law suit!" Faramir says, running through the gate. Standing casually against the wall is Legolas, although he's shrouded in shadow.

"So, mortals, you've come?" Legolas asks.

"Well, we're here, aren't we?" Boromir says.

"Quiet you fool. We have to be soft and quick as shadows, we must be." Legolas says.

"Where have I heard that before?"

Legolas steps out of the shadows.

"Holy ship!" Faramir says.

Legolas is donning a green plaid kilt and is covered in green war paint. On his back is his bow and arrows and Two Long White Knives.

"Come. We must hurry away...but this is my good buddy Milo!" Legolas says, whipping out a duffel bag with many lumps in it.

"Er...that's a duffel bag." Faramir points out.

"NO IT'S NOT!!!" Legolas says, thumping Faramir with the bag.

"GAH! He's got blunt steel objects in there!" Faramir yells.

"Come away, you freaks of Gondor." Legolas says, walking into the woods.

"Wow. He's really been screwed up." Boromir mutters.

_About 30 minutes later..._

"Here we are at the Birders Station: Eryn Lasgalen." Legolas says.

"This looks like a tree..." Faramir says.

"It's not just any tree! It's a mallorn tree, specially planted by yours truly to be a birder's sanctuary!" Legolas says.

"What do we do with it?"

"You climb it to watch the birdies!" Legolas says.

So they climb the tree...

20 minutes later, the group is in the tree and watching for birdies!

"Shouldn't we see a bird by know?" Boromir asks.

"Not if you keep talking!" Legolas says.

"I don't think this tree likes me..." Faramir moans.

"Hey, what's that?" Boromir asks.

"What?" Faramir asks, a bit too enthusiastically, and falls about 15 feet out of the tree.

"Oww...."

Boromir and Legolas continue to look for birdies!

15 minutes later, Faramir is back in the tree, looking bruised and scratched.

"Ok, have we seen anything?" Faramir whispers.

"No...wait! What's that?" Legolas says.

A small brown bird is perched on a branch.

"It's a wren!" Legolas says.

Boromir gets some awesome footage of the wren.

The wren flies away and the men (I use the term loosely there are at least two manly-men in the tree...) have a snack of Astronaut Ice Cream and Freeze-dried Beef stroganoff.

Suddenly, a large bird, known to be an eagle, perches on the same branch the wren was on.

"What's that?"

"That, my mortal friends, is a wren!"

"Are you sure? That looks like an eagle or something..."

"That isn't an eagle, pathetic mortals! It's a wren, plain and simple!" Legolas says.

"This is cracked up! I'm leaving!" Boromir says, getting some awesome footage of the eagle and climbing down the tree.

"Yeah, me too!" Faramir says, jumping down the tree and into the grass.

"Wait! Mortal friends!" Legolas says, jumping down the tree.

"This is stupid! This was the worst segment ever invented in the history of TV talk shows!" Faramir says, running out of the woods.

"And to think, we have to do 5 more segments with Crackpot Joe over there!" Boromir says.

The two walk out of the woods and into the city.

_Later, back in Faramir's Basement..._

"Well, after that lunacy...we have...nothing else to do. Roll the credits." Faramir says.

"Yeah. Check tomorrow for some other weird segment with some other weirdos." Boromir says.

"Just give the list of sponsors."

"Ok...the Elves of Mirkwood Literacy Program, supporting learning in the public schools of Mirkwood; the Shire Protection Agency, protecting those who were eaten by crazy people; and the Lothlorien Art Club: giving the gift of great art to the Elves of the future." Boromir says.

"Faramir, get your brother out of our basement!" Eowyn yells down the stairs.

"Well, he lives with us...I can't evict him!"

"He can live in the broom cupboard!" Eowyn screams.

"Fine!"

"And by the way, why is there a lawyer on my front porch carrying on about child abuse? Seems someone hit a Ithilien Rangerett from Troop #198 with an empty water bottle at 12:50 this afternoon." Eowyn says.

"See? I told you I was gonna get a law suit!" Faramir yells at Boromir.

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A/N: You like? This was a weird chapter to write...but it was fun! Check back soon!!!


	4. Some Really Awful Comedy

A/N: Ok, here's more of the variety show, without shorted cameras or lawsuits or anything like that.

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**The Faramir Variety Hour  
  
BritCom/MidCom hosted by Elrond**

"Ok, let's turn things over to our comedy expert—really, he's an expert?—Elrond, the halfelven here to tell us about some funny stuff we really don't care about." Faramir says, looking bored.

"Why the heck did we get an Elf to tell us humorous stuff? We really should have got a hobbit." Boromir says.

"How are hobbits funny? All they do is sit around, eat, sleep, drink, and smoke!" Faramir says.

"That's what makes them funny!" Boromir protests.

"Anyway, let's take a walk to Lord Elrond's Hovel—I mean, Lord Elrond's House—and watch some funny stuff on TV!!"

So the two of them take a walk to Lord Elrond's House.

_Getting to LEH (Lord Elrond's House, I'm too lazy!)..._

The two man crew walks up to the desk at Gondor Air: Ticket Sales.

"Can we get two tickets for the next flight to Rivendell?"

"Where?"

"Imladris?"

"OOOH! You're going to Rivendell! Ok, I can give you...10:59." The receptionist says.

The time is 10:49.

"Sure!"

So they get the tickets and race to customs.

"We need to speed up..."

But the security dude guy thing is just sleeping, so they race through customs at the time of 10:45.

Finally, they arrive at the boarding area thing and wait for the flight. Faramir goes to sit down, but...

"MILO!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Milo is sitting there, reading a magazine and looking as lumpy as ever.

"Please say that Crackpot Joe isn't on this flight..." Boromir says.

Milo growls and duffels off the chair, boarding the plane. Faramir and Boromir follow suit.

"I can't believe that thing can move around of free will. Maybe it's possessed." Boromir whispers.

Milo hears this and roars, then springs up from the ground and slams into Boromir's face, knocking him flat on the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Boromir yells. The rest of his screams are muffled by Milo and the fact that he's saying some colorful words.

"Get it off!" but this comes out as "Gey mit hoff!"

"What?"

"Gey mit hoff!"

"Oh! Get it off? Got it!"

"Mank moo!" This literally means, 'Thank You'.

Faramir kicks Milo until Milo comes off.

Milo growls and slinks up the ramp. Boromir gets up and shudders, his face covered in bruises.

Faramir and Boromir take their seats, with a bit of fighting over who got the window seat and who gets the aisle seat. Faramir gets the window and Boromir gets the aisle.

"I hope this won't take too long. Last time it took me 110 days to get to Rivendell." Boromir says.

"You were riding a lame horse. You think that had something to do with it?"

"Shut up, Faramir, you weren't even there." Boromir says.

The flight takes off and in about 20 minutes they're in Rivendell.

"Ok, let's get to Elrond's house!"

They walk up to Elrond's house.

"Hey, dudes, come on in!" Elrond says as they walk in.

They all go and sit on beanbags around a large screen plasma TV.

"You're living the life."

"Well, since Arwen married Aragorn, I've been getting income from all the royal banks and that, so what can I say?"

"And I'm the Steward and I don't get a red cent."

"Well, whose fault is that?"

"Whatever, can you just show us the comedy?"

"Ok. We're gonna start off with my favorite comedy ever, the Stuard Family!" Elrond says.

**The Stuard Family!!**

"Hey, kids, come here!" Says a guy that looks an awful lot like Denethor.

"Yes, dad?" asks a kid who looks like Boromir.

"Where's your good for nothing brother?"

"Er, I don't know, he fell into a ditch."

"Really?"

"Probably. I was just eating some salad in the field and he disappeared!"

"That's the best bit of luck I've had all day!"

Suddenly, a kid who looks like Faramir stumbles in, looking beaten up.

"Hey, dad."

"Hi, you worthless piece of dirt."

"That's not that nice..." The Faramir look alike says.

"Whatever. Ok, Toromir (this is Boromir) go to get a Ring or something. Caramir (this is Faramir) go fall off a cliff and die."

"Wow...those are big orders..."

"GO!!!!"

**THE END!!**

"How do people find that funny?" Faramir asks.

Boromir and Elrond are cracking up and laughing like maniacs and crying.

"That...was...the...funnies...bit...of...TV...I've...ever...seen!" Boromir laughs.

"Wasn't it great?" Elrond laughs.

"NO!" Faramir yells, walking out of the house.

"Wait, I have to get the host...well, I'll come over some other time to watch more funny stuff with you!" Boromir says.

Boromir runs out and finds Faramir boarding the express flight to Minas Tirith.

"That was the worst segment ever filmed!"

"You said that about Mr. Nature, too, remember?"

"That was different."

"Ok, we have 3 more segments of this comedy and then we can stop."

"Roll credits."

"Ok, boss. The Elrond Charitable Trust Foundation: Providing Money to the Poor; the Rivendell Artist Society: Giving Art to Fine Collections Throughout Middle Earth; and the Minas Tirith Library Society."

"Cool. Next on TFVH..."

"What's TFVH?"

"The Faramir Variety Hour."

"Oh."

"We have a Tour of Rohan with Eomer!"

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A/N: Hope you liked, I know I did! I will be taking another short Holiday to a convention, I will be back Sunday night. So never fear! Review while I'm away. I leave Friday and come back Sunday. That's not so bad! Er, yeah, those names were really bad names, I was in a rush.. 


	5. Goin' to buy a car!

A/N: My brain is cramped. Ain't it swell? Well, enjoy... I really didn't notice the backwards time travel, we'll just say it's a time difference or something...ah, the wonders of computers! Screwing up your stuff.

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**_Chapter Five: Car Shopping Gone Wrong._**

"Hey, all! We're back!" Faramir says.

"Yeah. That comedy was good, eh, boss?"

"Yes, Boromir, but don't forget. You live in my house and I can evict you whenever I want to and I'm your employer. Don't push it." Faramir says.

"Sorry, sir."

"Anyway, today we're going to go to the local auto store and go car shopping! Ain't that fun?"

"Whatever you say, boss."

"Ok. So let's go to the local Auto Shoppe and meet our car buying experts!" Faramir says.

_About 15 minutes later..._

"You know, all this walking around really gets you in shape. I really should have bought that stair master." Boromir muses.

"Yeah, whatever, I'm the Steward, I'll get it for you."

"Hey, speaking of Stewards...if I'm alive and I'm older than you, don't I get the Stewardship?"

"Well, yeah, dad's still alive too."

"There you have it! You took the throne without permission!"

"It's not the throne, it's the chair of Stewards!"

"And I'd look better in it than you even would!" Boromir yells.

"Oh, yeah?"

"YEAH!"

"TAKE THIS!!"

Another fight breaks out, resulting in some black eyes, bruises, and bite marks. The two get up, Faramir wielding a crowbar and Boromir holding a hockey stick.

"How are we holding these objects?"

"It's the will of Gondor, duh!" Boromir says, swinging with his hockey stick.

"You know, I think we came out worse for wear in this show."

"I got awesome footage of that fight."

"HOW?"

"Well, I was reading _Scientific Gondorian_ and I read about a test that they wanted people for."

"And this test was...?"

"Ok, they came out with this camera that's on a contact lens! They wanted people to try it so I volunteered and here I am with my contact lens camera!"

"Oh my god!"

"Yeah! So whatever I see, the camera sees!"

"OH MY GOD!! You live in my house and Eowyn lives there! Eowyn my wife! Eowyn the girl! How much have you seen???"

"What?"

"Have you seen her at 11 PM? In something made of silk and lace?"

"No, why?"

"Let's all just praise Eru silently."

"Ok, can we just go?"

"Whatever."

_Later, at the Car Shoppe..._

"Ok, shouldn't dad and Aragorn be here?"

Suddenly, the two named ones pop up!

"Hey! Let's go, there's a 36 month lease on that corvette and I'm so doing it!" Aragorn says.

"I just leased a jaguar for 99.04 a month!" Denethor beams. He says jaguar like the guy on the commercials: jag-you-are.

"Ok, can you help me pick out a car?" Boromir asks.

"For you? I'd say...what'd you think, Aragorn?"

"Dunno, Denny, probably a GTO or a PT Cruiser."

"Hmmm...care for a test drive?"

"SURE!"

So they all pile into a little GTO.

"Can I go as fast as I want?"

"Yep. Just mind the pedestrians!"

So Boromir goes speeding off and people jump out of his way, looking like in that scene with Gandalf on Shadowfax rushing up to the top level.

"Hey! Slow down!" Faramir says, getting bumped around in the back seat.

Denethor starts to laugh like a maniac.

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!" Aragorn screams.

After about 50 minutes of crazy driving, they screech into the lot.

"So, wanna lease the car?"

"How much to buy it?" 

"For you, son? About 12,000."

"THAT'S CHEAP! YOU DIDN'T OFFER ME THAT WHEN I BOUGHT MY CAR!" Faramir says.

"Yeah, you're not my favorite son." Denethor says.

"Fine." Faramir goes pouting off and Boromir buys the car.

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A/N: Ok, not exactly how it originally was intended to go, but ah, well. So look for a new chapter soon!! Hooray!!


	6. Visiting the School

A/N: Ok, I'm back and school started. Pah. Well, here you have it. OOH! More 'le funniness!'© Breck, btw...thanx for the word!

* * *

**_Chapter Six: Visiting the School!! (Episode Six, as well)_**

"Ok, Boromir today is a very special day. Do you know what day it is?" Faramir asks, bouncing around in his seat.

"No...and you can stop talking to me like I'm some mindless five-year-old. I do have a mind, you know!"

"Anyway, today is the day that I founded the Minas Tirith Co-Ed Education Facility!" Faramir beams.

"The what?"

"Well, after you died,"

"Funny how almost anything you say starts with those words."

"Shut up! Anyway, after you fought valiantly and regained you honor but then were tragically shipped down a river and waterfall in a rickety little boat without a caution: handle with care label, I founded a school so that everyone in the city can learn something! I love learning!"

"Yeah, well that was only because you were taught by Gandalf."

"Yes, some people have all the luck."

"That wasn't my point..."

"Anyway, today we're going to visit the school and say hi to the kids. They've prepared something special for you!"

"Really? Those kids are smart, because I could whoop their little behinds any old day."

"And I'm sure you'd be thrilled to have about 24 lawyers on your doorstep because of child abuse."

"Hey, it's your house, man."

"Thanks for remembering that. So let's not get Faramir into any more trouble with lawyers, politicians, or the angry parents of the children."

"Whatever, man..."

_Later, walking to the school..._

"So how old are these kids?"

"About 18 or 29, maybe as old as 25."

"So it's not a school so much as it is a university?"

"Exactly."

"Ok...that's good..."

"I hope you're not going to hit on any of the students!"

"Why on earth would I do that?" Boromir asks, going innocent.

"Because you're upset that I got married and dad was married and that you're the only one in the family who has not successfully gotten married."

"Where on earth do you get that from?"

"_'Analyzing your Disorders'_"

"Come on, man! Is everyone in my family a shrink?"

"Probably. We've been known to like the psychological things in life."

"And I am so glad I'm part of this family."

"No need for sarcasm."

_Later at the School..._

"Ok, kids, we've got a special few guests for you." Says Mrs. Bizcut, the teacher. (don't ask about the name)

"We're not kids!" says Student 3.

"Fine, then!!" Screams the teacher and runs out of the room, leaving a very confused Faramir and nervous Boromir in the room with some older teen punks...hahah!

"Uh, hi, I'm Faramir...and I founded this school..."

"YEAH, WITHOUT HIM YOU PUNKS WOULDN'T BE HERE!!!!!!!!"

"EEEEP!!"

"Holy shit who is that psycho guy?" asks Student 7, looking scared.

"Ah, that's er, a good, ah, question." Faramir chuckles nervously.

"Hey, isn't he your brother?" asks Student 9.

"YEAH, and he's DAMN SEXY!!" Says some girl in the back (BRECKcoughcough)

"Ah..." says Student 2.

"Er, well, after that..." says Faramir....

"OK, so anyway, hey kids."

"GET OUT!!" Screams Student 5.

"AAAH!!!!" Faramir screams, not unlike a little girl, and runs out.

"HOLY CRAP!!" Boromir says, running out.

_Later, in the basement..._

"Well, after that..."

Boromir is waltzing around, singing, "I'm sexy, I'm sexy, and Faramir is NOT! I'm sexy, I'm sexy, and I am the BOMB!!!!"

"Can you shut up???????"

"No, Mr. Not Sexy, I can't!"

"Why did that person say that? Why why why?"

"I don't know...but I'm sexy!! AHAHAH!!!"

* * *

A/N: Cheers go to Breck for that bold statement, go Breck! Look for more soon!!


	7. The Fund Drive

A/N: Hey! Time for more wackiness! Ok, here's something new...from Minas Tirith to your house! Enjoy!!

* * *

**_Chapter Seven: The Fund Drive (yeah, it used to be headed by the episode, I don't care anymore)_**

"Hey, everyone! We're live here at...er, where are we again?"

"Well, Boromir, we're standing outside the Buffalo Corral, where we're looking at thousands, I mean, thousands, of docile buffalo!" Faramir says.

"I wouldn't call them docile..." Boromir says. "And I got rid of the contacts cam after I nearly caught Eowyn in a fluffy pink bathrobe."

"Yeah, did I ever get beat up because of that." Faramir says.

"Anyway, bro, when did this turn into a nature program?"

"Well, we need variety on our show..."

"Round 'em up, rawhide!" Says Buffalo Wrangler 1.

"Yee-haw!!"

"AAAAHHHHHH!!" Faramir and Boromir scream, not unlike little girls, as tons of buffalo stampede out of the coral and towards them.

"Yavanna, lady of nature and Cheesy Beef Sammiches, SAVE US!!" Boromir screams.

And a massive lightning strike happens, as Faramir asks...

"Does this mean that Santa is real, too?"

And all fades to a nice blueish black.

_Later, about 2 hours later in the basement (The backup location)..._

"Hi, everyone! I bet you're all wondering how we got back here! We'd love to tell you, but even we don't know! And you may notice that we're no longer by some buffalo." Faramir says.

"You may have!"

"We have a good reason for this. We're planning to file a lawsuit against those buffalo, for damages to public TV!!"

"Ok. Since my little bro is now crazy, we're gonna do something that all those public TV stations do that everyone hates: a FUND DRIVE!!!"

"Oh, man, I broke both my legs and my femur!"

"Your femur is in your leg."

"Well, then, Mr. Smarty, I was right!"

"Anyway...ok. So, now that we're officially fund raising, we're gonna tell you all the exciting stuff you can get by participating. Now, you know that you love this show, TFVH, just like you love...er...."

"OOH! Those weird British shows that no one in America gets!"

"Yep. Just like them. So, support the fund drive or we DIE!!"

"Boromir, we won't die if we don't get money!"

"That's what you say now! But wait until you can't get food for your wife and yourself! Then what?"

"Good point."

"Exactly. I always have a good point."

"Sure..."

"Ok. So if you pledge at the $25 level, you'll get this SUPER COOL TFVH Umbrella! You can walk around with it even when there's no chance of rain and look cool and at the very top of modern fashion!" Boromir says, walking around with the umbrella and looking cool and fashiony.

"Do you have to embarrass me like that?"

"Well, yes I do. Anyway, if you pledge at the $50 level, you'll get this very cool book!"

"'Our Lives as Sons of the Steward by Boromir and Faramir as told to Marty W. Kein'? We didn't write this!!!"

"Correct! But it's official merchandise and therefore no one cares!"

"Wow. I never knew we had to be mean to make money."

"It's a dog eat dog world. And, if you pledge at the $100 level, you'll get...close your eyes!"

"Be it known that I was drugged and forced to do this by Eowyn."

"I HEARD THAT!" Eowyn yells down the stairs.

"Ok, open your eyes!"

"OH MY GOD! WHAT IS THAT?" Faramir asks.

"It's the Denethor Voodoo doll!"

"Oh my god, it looks like a sock that got mutated!"

"Hey, it's the Denethor © Voodoo doll! I thought you'd be happy!"

"Well, I thought it had to look like Denethor."

"Not Denethor, Denethor ©."

"This is weird..."

"And if you pledge $150, you'll get this!!!"

"OH MY GOD!!! THE ALIENS!!!"

"Not so, little Bro! Actually these are the Faramir © and Boromir © Action Figures!!"

"OH MY GOD!!"

"Aren't they the coolest??"

"Yeah, if you think cool is big headed and tiny footed."

"You're such a downer."

"Anyway, can't we just get on with the fund drive? I'm sure giving little children those figurines is going to give them nightmares for years."

"Downer. And if you pledge at the $200 level, you'll get the best gift of all. Straight from my heart."

"Well, spit it out. And how come I didn't get to offer something from my heart?"

"Because you're the host. Anyway, this is my book! All my life lessons and what I learned during a years worth of being dead. It's called, 'Bob'."

"'Bob'?"

"Yes, Faramir, 'Bob'."

"You were called 'Bob'?"

"Yeah. Dad used to go, 'Get that girl out of your room, Bob!'"

"Really?"

"Yeah. Girls, they just find me attractive, y'know?"

"Sorry, I can't believe that."

"It's true!! They just used to come up to me and go, 'Boromir, can I date you?' and I said, 'Dear, you're too young for me. Perhaps when you grow up a bit.' And then they'd say 'But I love you!' and they'd go home a cry."

"Wow. That's sad."

"And they'd cry."

"You said that."

"I was such a heartbreaker."

"I bet. I wonder why I'd never get a date."

"Well, after I had 20 girls ask to be my date to the senior prom..."

"I had to go by myself!!"

"Really? I thought you were with some blonde chick."

"She left after I said we'd have to walk."

"Some of us get all the good looks." Boromir says, flashing a perfect smile.

"Yeah, some of us want to write books, but we don't."

"That made little to no sense."

"Oh, look what time it is! Time for Boromir to go pick up the Egg Rolls at Mandarin Palace MT."

"Oh, too bad. But they do make mean egg rolls."

"Yeah. Better than that time when you tried to make them."

"The egg was runny!"

"That's because there's not really an egg inside, like you made it. Eowyn got stomach flu after that incident!"

"Sorry! Man, I didn't know you cared about her so much."

"Yeah? Well, read the Return of the King, the chapter titled 'The Steward and the King'. I have a really great way of expressing my feelings! I should have just about sung her a love song!"

"Calm down! I was just inquiring!!"

"Whatever. Any other gifts?"

"Well, for $250 you can get a picture of me in swim trunks on a beach..."

"That's disgusting! Who'd want that?"

"Some people..."

"Yeah, right. You in swim trunks? That's enough to gross people out..."

"Yeah, and the sight of you in them doesn't scare the masses."

"It does not."

"Shall we ask the masses that question??"

"Let's drop the subject. Go pick up the egg rolls and be quick!"

"Fund our program or we'll die!!!"

* * *

A/N: No, this isn't a real fund drive, but I have copies of everything, so pledge to get more chapters of a longer quantity!!! Support TFVH and all the segments you love on it!!!!


	8. Going Fine Dining!

A/N: And here we are with the next installment. Cheers to everyone that helped and supported, they thank you very much...but I'll let them say it.... Oh wait I already did. So what. Anyway, here we go! Free Boromir pictures because of my messed up computer...GAH!!

* * *

**_Chapter Eight: Let's go Fine Dining!!_**

"Hey, Boromir. BOROMIR!!" Faramir yells, holding a large envelope that appears to be the size and weight of an 11 pound bowling ball.

"Why, yeeees, little bro?"

"What...agh...is...mfff...this...eem...doing...smm...here?" Faramir asks, placing the envelope on the table.

"Hey! They showed up!" Boromir exclaims, ripping open the packaging.

"Oh my god! Is that another form of Alien life? I told dad the aliens were landing! I knew all that mysterious messaging in the cornfields of the Pelennor and those crop circles in Rohan were real! I knew it!!!" Faramir says.

"Er, Faramir, hate to burst your bubble, my naïve little bro, but those crop circles? That was our graduating prank. We did it." Boromir says.

"What? So all my scientific proof was based off some elaborate hoax conducted by some impudent graduates from Minas Tirith Men's Economical High school?"

"There were a lot of words in there I didn't understand. But if you're saying that your proof was based off a sham by me and my pals, you'd be right."

"I wrote an award winning piece of work on that crop circle! I got honors in the national academy! I can't believe you!"

"Anyway, why were you calling this picture of me in swim trunks an alien?"

"That...that's you? God, you're pale! Haven't you heard of suntan? Instant tanning lotion? Maybe being dead does that to you..."

"I don't tan, I burn and look like a lobster after being boiled. It's not pretty."

"Hey, isn't lobster that thing we had when mine was still alive and dad though it was some great joke that it latched onto my nose and I ran around with it for about 2 hours until it died?" Faramir asks.

"Yeah...that was funny..." Boromir says, crying with laughter.

"Hey, my nose isn't this big naturally! It got stretched by that lobster! If it was normal sized, half my dates wouldn't have dumped me on the fact that it's too hard to kiss."

"Wow...but anyway, I think all my girl friends didn't have that problem with my nose..."

"Yeah, it only got bigger after I threw a plate at you. Remember?"

"Yeah, I was 20, way past my dating stage...maybe..." Boromir reminisces.

"Yeah. Dad's nose is normal sized. Now we know why we look different."

"Oh. I always thought that I belonged to some different family and they were going to take me away one day."

"Hey, shouldn't we stick to the schedule?" Boromir asks.

"Maybe you should think of something less obvious to say."

"Stop being sarcastic, Faramir, it's stupid."

"Oh, yeah, Bori?"

"Don't call me Bori, Fari!"

"Bori!"

"Fari!"

"Bori!!"

"Fari!!"

"BORI!!!!!!"

"FARI!!!!!!!!!"

"ARGH!"

"Hey, let's go fine dining!" Boromir says.

So out they go...

_At Le Funnies Du Jour (I know, really bad French...blame Quebec)_

"Yees, monsieur?" asks the seating host.

"Ah, table for two."

"I see. I'll give you the dark corner table." Says the host.

"For some reason, I think people out there are getting the wrong idea."

"YEAH! I'M NOT GAY AND NEITHER IS MY BROTHER!!!"

"Er, Boromir, that might have been the wrong thing to say." Faramir says, trying to drag Boromir off the table he was standing on.

"UNHAND ME, YOU FIEND!!"

"GET...DOWN!!"

"LET GO OF ME!!!"

"Boromir!!! For the sake of the Valar, pull yourself together!" Faramir says, slapping Boromir.

"You...you just bitch-slapped me!"

"Er, have you been watching 'Bring it On' again?"

"Maybe..."

"Well, Dad told you not to. Remember last time, you started doing cheers in a skirt..."

"Hey! Dad slipped some drugs in my food! I was under the influence!"

"Sure. We're so quick to blame others, never ourselves..."

"Kirsten Dunst is HOT!"

"And I'm sure Breck resents you ever saying that."

"You know what, Faramir? You don't get it. You are a pathetic second born and you just don't get it. You don't have strain from being the firstborn, do you? No! You don't get it. Get it?"

"I'm sure if I knew what you were trying to say I'd get it."

"You're such a pain in the arse!"

"What? I couldn't hear you."

"Stop taunting me!!!"

"AAH!!" Faramir yells as some crazed person tosses their Caesar Salad at him.

"Hey, man, what'll it be?" asks a surly waitress.

"Er...two chicken parmesans and a Fettuccini Alfredo."

"And three orders of onion rings!" Boromir adds.

"Wow." Says the waitress, walking away and placing the order.

So after a wait of 20 minutes, Boromir looking hungry and eating all the free bread—two baskets—single handedly, the food appears.

"Wow...no wonder the people are so skinny." Boromir says, indicating some little pieces of chicken and about 5 noodles.

"At least the onion rings look ok..."

"GAH! It's all breading and a sliver on onion!"

"This is an outrage!"

"Hey, you're the one that added fine dining to our list of things to do."

"So? Whenever we go to dine again, let's just go to Bob's Chicken Shack on the Third Level."

"'Suppose so." Boromir says through a mouthful of onion rings.

"Yeah! So, this is an outrage!!" Faramir yells, walking out, Boromir following stuffing onion rings into his mouth and pockets.

* * *

A/N: Ok, shipping of the holy pictures are going to go out soon, and anything else you ordered will arrive by Gondor Mail courtesy of the S.G.F.C. No offense if you're gay (I got yelled about that already) but ah..? And, ah, stuff will be coming out soon as it's picked off the shelves. Here's all your pictures of Boromir...


	9. Off to the Movies!

A/N: Here we are with chapter 9. Enjoy, enjoy. And all the Boromir pictures have been distributed (like 5) and the rest burned by Eowyn. Eowyn does everything. And everyone gets a lovely signed Faramir picture, also in swim trunks.

* * *

**_Chapter Nine: Let's go to the Movies!!_**

"Hey, everyone! We've got a special segment today! We're going to the movies!!"

"Despite the fact that there's nothing good in theatres, Faramir insists on going."

"Hey! You're the one that dragged me to see _'Under the Tuscan Sun'_ with you!"

"Yeah, well...well..."

"Cat got your tongue?"

"No actually the hamper does. What a stupid saying."

"What's a hamper?"

"Wow, Faramir, you're dumb."

"I'm not dumb! And so what if I'm fat??"

"No one called you fat..."

"YES!! DAD DID!! THE FOOTBALL COACH DID!!! EVERYONE DID!!!"

"You played football?"

"Wide receiver, 20 back, and punter."

"See, me, I was the tackle."

"Stop bragging, Boromir, it's stupid."

"You call everything I do stupid. What's your problem?"

"You."

"Yeah? Well, well, Dad liked ME and not YOU so PHBBT!!"

Faramir sighs and rolls his eyes.

_Later, at the theatre..._

"What tickets, sirs?" asks Mr. Ticket Man.

"Er...can we have two to _'The Village'_?"

"NO!! Faramir, you want me to have heart failure?"

"While that would be nice, I don't want a lawsuit."

"Fine! Mr. Bossy. We'll go, but you owe me dinner!!!"

So anyway, they go to see _'The Village'_ and Boromir hast a mild moment of shock, going something like this:

"OHMYGOD!! GET THOSE (insert preferred swear word here) OUT OF THOSE (nuther swear word) WOODS FOR THE (yes, yet another) LIFE OF THE (about three words all starting with F) VALAR, FOR YAVANNA'S SAKE!!!"

And Faramir, well, he faints from the shock and winds up being trampled by freaked out movie goers. I suppose.

* * *

A/N: Yes, it was short. Yes, it was weird. Yes, I don't care. Let Algebra go to the devil, I don't care. H times Pi to the Fourth Power, indeed. And I don't care if _The Village_ was scary or not, whatever, whatever.


	10. Battle of the BANDS!

A/N: Ok, here we are! I'm back! Isn't it cool! Anyway, today starts the BATTLE OF THE BANDS!! Ok, if the songs are old, it's all because those are easy to parody and because I had to listen to them for my roomie ('Listen to this music!'). So, here we go with BotB!!

* * *

_**Chapter Ten: Battle of the Bands staring Third Elf Blonde, Evenstar, and Pyro Man! **_

"Hello everyone! Today's a very special day!" Faramir says.

"Yep, our host has prepared something totally coolio!" Boromir says.

"Yeah! It's the best! We've actually got famous Middle-earthian bands to come onto our show! So starts the battle of the bands! Everyone's gonna sing, I think, and here are our judges! Gimli and Gandalf! Because they're party poopers and don't want to sing, they get to judge!" Faramir says happily.

"You know, you just might be too happy for your own good." Boromir says.

"Really?" Faramir asks.

So Gimli and Gandalf walk onto the stage and sit in little rickety lawn chairs. 

"This had better be good." Gimli growls.

"It'll be SUPER!!" Boromir says. "And you're not really judging, the viewers are!"

"Really?" Gimli says.

"Yep." Faramir says.

"Cool! I don't have to do anything!"

"Ok, anyway, our first band is gonna be Third Elf Blonde (like Third Eye Blind) singing, "Over the Sea"!" Faramir says.

Legolas, Elrond, Galadriel and Celeborn walk onto the stage.

"Hey, shouldn't Arwen be there?" Boromir asks.

"The stupid girl gave up her spot over some grubby ranger." Elrond moans.

"Just SING!" Gandalf yells.

"RARR!" The elves say, as they start to sing...

'_Over the Sea'_ parody of 'Sailing', by some older man who's dead, can be found on Finding Nemo Soundtrack

"Somewhere over the sea, it's there, waiting for me

The Undying Lands, with golden sand, where all Elvish ships go sailing

Somewhere over the sea, it's there one day I'll be

If I could fly like gulls on high, then straight to its shores, I'd go sailing

**(Elrond plays a snazzy drum solo and everyone else plays a violin solo, sounding cool.)**

It's far beyond the stars, it's near over the sea

I know beyond a doubt that that's the place for me

I'll stand there on the shore in the land of Elves once more

Happy I will be over the Sea, and never again, I'll go sailing

No more sailing! So long, sailing, sailing, no more sailing. Goodbye, farewell my friend. No more sailing." The Elves sing.

Audience members start to clap, along with screaming, "LEGO WE LOVE YOU!!!"

"All right, home viewers, we're gonna go to Arwen singing some song, so, yeah. Remember at the end of this episode call the toll free number to place your vote for the best band! With more coming tomorrow! Isn't it freakin' exciting??" Boromir asks.

"Well, as Boromir already said, let's hear it for Arwen!!"

Arwen walks onto the stage.

_'(Even)star Collector' parody of 'Star Collector' by the Monkees. (Guest vocals by Elrond)_

"Think I'll let him keep on going on whatever quest he's going on

Give him my Evenstar and tell him my love for him will go on

Cause he's the Star Collector (Elrond: Has my kid's Evenstar!!)

A ranger collector of fine Elvin Jewelry

Yes he's the Star Collector (Elrond: He's got the damn Evenstar!!)

I really love him, but Ada won't respect him

When there's a big battle going, he wants to be on the front lines

He's just too busy fighting to taste the fine Elvish wine

Cause he's the Star Collector (Elrond: He's got Arwen's Evenstar!!)

As a Ranger he wears Elvin Jewelry

Cause he's the Star Collector (Elrond: I want the damn Evenstar!!)

It's gonna take some time to get Aragorn off my mind

**A techno little bit of music is played**

Yes he's the Star Collector (Elrond: He stole the Evenstar!!)

My only aim's to please the Ranger who wears Girl Jewelry

Yes he's the Star Collector (Elrond: He's got the freakin Evenstar!!)

It's gonna take my life to get Aragorn off my mind!" Arwen sings.

"Eh, yeah, I guess that'll work...or something...anyway, now we've got Pyro Man singing. Well, I think we all know who Pyro Man is." Boromir says.

"Yeah, Dad, can't you get a new name or something?" Faramir says.

"Shut up! I'm gonna sweep the competition!" Denethor says.

"Sure." Boromir says.

'_The Pyre goes On' _parody of 'My Heart Will Go On' by Celine Dion 

"Every night in my room, I light up a candle and soon my whole room is in flames

Far across the distance from the pyre to my room, I just know the pyre will go on

Near, far, where those pyres are, I believe that the pyre goes on

Once more I'll open the door and the pyre's in flames and the pyre goes on and on

Faramir can die sometime and fire can do it just as long as there's oil around

Wood is also needed, so bring wood and oil, we'll burn like heathen kings of old

Near, far, where those pyres are, I believe that the pyre goes on

Once more I'll open the door and the pyre's in flames and the pyre goes on and on

I'll stay forever this way I'm part of the pyre and it goes on

Gandy's here, he's the dude I fear and I'll run out in flames and the pyre goes on and on"

"ER, yeah, dad, that'll work...that was the weirdest song since 'Toxic' came out." Boromir says.

"Wait...what?" Faramir says, looking dazed and confused.

"Do you think this song'll go all the way?" Gandalf asks.

"You were mentioned!"

"Hey, no duh, Gimli."

"IT'S A WIG!" Denethor screams, running out of the place.

"???"

* * *

A/N: All right, vote for your favorite song NOW! The winner of this round is gonna go up against 3 more songs in the next round! Fun and excitement!! Review with your vote now!


	11. A Tour of Rohan

A/N: Sorry about the wait. Unfortunately, BotB has been canceled (insufficient funds) and the winner is The Pyre Goes On (by 1 vote!!) and Third Elf Blonde came in second. No one really like Arwen (except for you, southerngirl!). So sorry if you were actually hoping for BotB to come back. Maybe later. Anyway, we've got a whole new thing to do, so enjoy! AND SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT!

* * *

_**Chapter Eleven: Would you look at that? A Tour of Rohan with Eomer!! (So you think..)**_

Faramir is walking around with head phones in his ears, listening to "Anarchy in the UK" by the Sex Pistols.

"Hey, bro, what happens when Aragorn hears you listening to that?"

Faramir just gives Boromir a confused look. Probably because he's listening to the headphones at full volume.

"Anyway, now that I can say whatever I want about Faramir, I'd like to express that he's a no-good crazed lunatic who'd be better off dead. That, and I heard from his own mouth, Eowyn, that he'd rather dump you and move on. Honest." Boromir says gleefully.

"YOU LIAR!!!!!!!!!"

"YOU HEARD??"

"Well, yeah, it's not like I kept listening after I saw your mouth moving! Man, you must think I'm naive or something!"

"No..."

"And I'm telling Eowyn! I LOVE HER MORE THAN YOU'LL EVER KNOW!!!"

"Ok, calm down, spaz!"

"Hey, Faramir! Can Eomer talk to you??" Eowyn yells down the stairs. "And stop with that racket! I'm trying to take a beauty nap!"

"Not working, is it?" Boromir chuckles.

"I HEARD THAT!"

Eomer comes down the stairs.

"Hey, brother in law."

"Hello, brother in law and...other brother in law." Eomer says.

"Having a nice time as King of Rohan?"

"You bet. Anyway, I got your call about a tour of Rohan. I'd be happy to help. I even got the tickets. All you have to do is pack your bags and go to the Trolley Station to get the trolley to Meduseld." Eomer explains.

"Coolio! Ah, Eowyn won't be coming, will she?" Boromir asks.

"No, I don't think so."

"Good. We can be rid of Crackpot Sally, too."

"Do you call everyone 'Crackpot Joe' or 'Crackpot Sally'?"

"Maybe..."

"Anyway, here's the tickets, and I will see you cats on the flip-flop." Eomer says, running back up the stairs.

"Now, where have I heard that line before..."

"Er..."

"All right, home viewers! I know you're all excited about this field trip! So, yeah!"

"Hey, Faramir, you do know it's the Fall Fund drive..."

"Yeah, yeah, we can do that tomorrow...or whenever we get back." Faramir has no idea of how appropriate the phrase 'whenever we get back' is...

_The next day at the Trolley Station..._

"Where is that trolley??? Curses!"

Boromir and Faramir are standing around in a mob of people waiting for the trolley, wearing black trench coats and sunglasses, in case anyone recognises their TV selves.

"Man, it's hot in these things! How'd I let you talk me into wearing this??" Faramir moans.

"Oh, look! The Trolley!!"

The trolley, labeled ROHAN pulls up.

"There it is!!"

Boromir, Faramir, and 2 other peopel actually get on the trolley.

"And what were you other jamokes doing around here, then??" Boromir screams.

"THERE HE IS!!" Breck screams, standing up. "GET HIM!!!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH! DRIVE, TROLLEY DRIVER!!! GET GOING!!!"

The Trolley zooms off, leaving the station in the dust.

_About 15 minutes later, on the road to Edoras..._

"Oh, we're going to Edoras...I just can't wait to get to Edoras...Good time feelings waiting in Edoras..." Boromir sings.

"Boromir, you've been singing those words over and over and it's MAKING ME MAD!"

"Dude, Faramir, chill. Please." Boromir says. "And now, our travelling buddies!"

"Yeah! Our esteemed driver, Erkenbrand!"

"Hello, people!" Erkenbrand says. Poor man got left out of the movie.

"And our travelling buddy, Prince Imrahil!" Faramir says.

"Hey." Imrahil says, looking like a rocker. Another poor soul left out.

"And Tina T. Tuppens, from South Harad..."

"Hey."

"Ok...and we'd like to stress that Erkenbrand is the best Rohannic man alive. I mean, he just gave me and Faramir here a packet of Juicy Fruit! For when you gotta have sweet!"

"Yep! Erkenbrand also gave us some Gondorade! Is this in you??"

"And salad with Rohan Valley Ranch! The way ranch tastes like!"

"You know, you guys can land me in a whole lot of trouble."

"Sorry, Erky. Can I call you Erky?"

"No, but you can call me Erik." Erkenbrand says.

"Erik. What up, dawg?" Imrahil asks.

"I thought you were a rock god?"

"That's right. I'm a bloody ROCK GOD!" Imrahil says.

"Yeah, aren't you hosting the _'I love the Third Age!'_ on METV?"

"Oh, yeah." Imrahil says.

"So, how's Dol Amroth?"

"Pretty lovely."

"And you, Tina, how are you?"

"Well, haha, I'd much rather be, haha, killing innocent, er...Gondorians right about now. And I think you men will have to die!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The manly-men scream, jumping next to each other and holding the person next to them in fear.

"Die now..."

Suddenly!

"Is...is this thing on? Oh, so it is! Hello, Pathetic Mortals! This Trolley is being hijacked by Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood. We are sorry for the inconvieniance. Tell them, Milo!" Legolas says.

"NOOOOOO! NOT MILO!!!"

Milo growls into the megaphone thing.

"We're sorry, but...we must kill you know."

Tina T. Tuppens from South Harad is pierced by Elvish Arrows and dies swiftly.

"Rar. Haradrim. Die!" Legolas says.

"Er..."

"Oh, right. You there, Erkenbrand, turn this thing around! We're heading for Mirkwood!"

"Did you know that since we're in Gondor and heading North, it's not necessary to turn this thing around?" Erkenbrand asks.

"I DON'T CARE! JUST GET US TO MIRKWOOD, DAMN IT!!"

_En route to Mirkwood..._

"Good job, Milo! Keep the Gondorian men in line."

"Er, I'm from Rohan.." Erkenbrand interjects.

"SILENCE! I don't care.You're all from the same...place....And anyway, we're off to Mirkwood! Where you're from don't matter. We will subject you to the painful torture of...MY SINGING!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Ahem...TO THE SEA! TO THE SEA! THE WHITE GULLS ARE------------" Legolas screeches.

Milo growls and looks at Legolas. Pretty scary, seeing as he has no eyes.

"Oh, right, Milo. Can't tourture them just yet...muahahahahaha!"

_In the Dungeons of Mirkwood..._

"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen, nobody knows my sorrow..." Imrahil sings, adding one more mark to the Tally Marks on the wall, counting up to 15.

"It's a new day, but it all feels old, it's a good life, that's what I'm told!!" Boromir sings.

"STOP IT!!" Faramir yells.

"Huh?"

"It's bad enough we have to hear Legolas singing, but you two?" Erkenbrand says. "Imrahil, even though you kick ass on your show, please."

"Very well. Now, anyone seen the deranged Elf and his posessed demonic duffel bag?"

"AHA! Avast! I'm here now. Rather than have you all suffer at once, I'm going to take you to the torture room one at a time. First up...Imrahil. Milo, watch the mortals." Legolas says evilly.

Milo growls and looks at the others. No eyes...ain't that freaky???

"Good...duffel bag..." Boromir says.

"Rgggghararawrggghtewar.." Milo replies, duffeling over to the water bowl.

"It DRINKS?? IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A GOD-FORSAKEN MOUTH!!!"

"Wow..."

_In the Torture Chamber..._

"Now, Imrahil.... What is your favorite kind of music?"

"Er...rock?"

"This makes your least favorite...?"

"Rap..."

"All right then. Please, put these on. I assure you it's only the finest rock. And as such, please turn the volume to full blast." Legolas says.

"Ok..." Imrahil says.

Suddenly...

_Guess who's back  
Back again  
Shady's back  
Tell a friend  
Now everyone report to the dance floor  
To the dance floor, to the dance floor  
Now everyone report to the dance floor _

"NOOO!!" Imrahil screams.

Legolas laughs evilly.

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A/N: Ooh, and evil cliffie! Damn those pledge drives. Oh, well, at least we'll get newer merchandise and other goodies! Stay tuned to see what happens to Erkenbrand (alias Erik), Faramir and Boromir! What will happen to Imrahil?? Will he still be a bloody rock god? Or will he be reduced to a snivelling lump due to overexposure?? Stay tuned!! 


	12. Erkenbrand's Torture

A/N: We're back! Yes we are! And it's part 2 of our Legolas Torture Episodes. Those poor men. Anyway, here it is!

* * *

_**The Faramir Variety Hour **_

_**Chapter Twelve: The Torturing of Erkenbrand**_

_In the Dungeons..._

"I wonder how Imrahil is faring." Boromir says.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"What was that"

"Oh, no! He's coming! Crazy Elf Prince is coming" Erik screams.

Legolas throws Imrahil into the cell the men are sharing and laughs.

"Hahaha! Imrahil will be scarred forever by...rap. Now, which one next...aha! Erkenbrand, can I see you for a moment" Legolas says evilly.

Imrahil is huddling in a corner and crying.

"What's wrong, Imrahil"

"He...made me...listen to...rap." Imrahil says quietly. "Now I can't even remember how AC/DC's 'For those about to Rock' goes."

"Oh, no"

"Yeah, that's right. Anyone know the words"

"All I know is there's something about a 21 gun salute."

"That's right...for those about to Rock...We salute you! Fire" Imrahil says.

"Hey, we can make that a song of our martyrdom." Faramir says.

"Martyrdom"

"Yeah, since we're dying for the sake of the TV viewers, For Those About To Rock can be our theme song."

The men get to work on a large flag.

_With Legolas and Erkenbrand..._

"Now, Erkenbrand, I understand you felt really bad about being cut from the movie. Can you explain why" Legolas asks.

"Well, Eomer stole my part..."

"Oh. Ok. Now look here..."

Legolas turns on the TV and the scene from the Two Towers when Eomer arrives with the Rohirrim plays.

"NOOOO! That was my part! THAT WAS MY PART" Erkenbrand screams.

Legolas laughs evilly.

_10 minutes later..._

"There! Done" Faramir says.

A large flag on a white sheet has a Sword, an Arrow, and the Horn of Gondor crossed over Boromir's sheild and says"We Shall Not Be Broken" (I don't know...)

Suddenly, Erik and Legolas return, Erik crying about some injustice done to him.

"Boromir...you're next." Legolas says, as Milo comes along, growling and foaming at the mouth (But he doesn't have a mouth!)

"How is it foaming at the mouth? It doesn't have a mouth" Faramir cringes.

Boromir and Legolas walk away, as Erik admires the flag.

"Why is there nothing Rohannic about it"

"Er...well, you can draw a horse in the corner or do something about Rohan over there."

"Thankies"

_In the Torture Room..._

"Boromir, can you explain something"

"No, not really."

"Don't be a pwah, tell me, why are you afraid of arrows"

"I ain't afraid of arrows"

"Are you sure"

"Yeah."

"Ok, so if I do this" Legolas says, taking out an arrow and putting it in front of Boromir's face"You wouldn't be scared"

"No." Boromir says, laughing. He touches the arrow tip. "Still Sharpe."

"Huh"

"I said, Still Sharpe."

"What, the arrow? Yeah, I have to have it sharp to kill people."

"Not sharpe, Sharpe."

"What"

"Nevermind."

"Did you see the movie Troy"

"Yes and no."

"Huh"

"Well, see, that Odysseus, he was the best one in there."

"Do you say that because you were him"

"How could I be him when I was here in Middle Earth while they were filming"

"Because"

"How? Huh, little waspy elf prince, how"

"Enough" Legolas screams, as he kicks Boromir out and screams.

_Back by the Cell..._

"There! The Flag is finished" Erkenbrand says, admiring the symbols of Rohan he's placed in the corners: the weird star thing (I dunno where you see it, but you do), the shield design of the 2 horse heads, the banner horse, and a sword.

"Ah! I can't figure it out! You should all be crying for mercy and you're making a banner"

"We are not! We're just sitting here"

"EXACTLY"

"Rararrarawwararrrkgarhrrrrrhaherarrrrerarr" Milo says. (That is so fun to do)

"Good idea. Ahem... TIIIIIIIIIIIME IS ON MY SIDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, YES IT IS! TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME IS ON MY SIDEEEEEEEEEEEE" Legolas sings (screams?).

"AHHHH"

Suddenly!

"Ahhh! MILO"

Milo falls down with a lawn dart in his zipper.

"Noooooo! My friend! My only friend"

Pippin stands atop an over turned stool, wearing a plaid kilt and war paint. He also has a very nice looking machine gun, a couple of lawn darts, a few darts, a croquet mallet, a tennis racket, and a baseball bat jammed into a small backpack.

"Pippin! You've saved my life again" Faramir says.

"Yeah, yeah, it's called reading the script. Honestly." Pippin says.

They all run out as Legolas cries over Milo (Who is not dead, he's Un-dead), and rushes him off to the emergency ward.

"Phew! Some trip that was."

"I was the only one not subjected to torture." Faramir says.

"Yeah, but you were nearly roasted alive, so you're off the hook."

Erik unveils their flag and they march along, Boromir making annoying whistling sounds like he's playing the flute, Imrahil making drum sounds, and looking like they're a drum batallion in 1862 (Blame TV).

"So, I have to be off. There might be innocent Ringwraiths that need saving. If you need me..." Pippin says, whipping out an index card"Call me."

He vanishes with an "Aiiaieieieieiieieieieieieie" over a hill.

"That was surreal..."

The 3 set out on foot from Mirkwood to Edoras...

* * *

A/N: Coming up next episode: Someone unexpected gives the men a ride to Edoras and they start on their journey through Rohan. I hope you liked this chapter, see you next time! 


	13. En Route to Edoras

A/N: I'm back! Yes I am! Wahooo! Happy (early) Valentine's Day! Hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

_**Chapter Thirteen: En Route to Edoras**_

The Men (Imrahil, Boromir, Faramir, and Erkenbrand) are walking towards Edoras on foot from the Dungeons of Mirkwood. However, they are starving, cranky, and tired.

"Man, Faramir, this is so boring! I can't believe we have to WALK to EDORAS! That'll only take a YEAR" Boromir says.

"Hey, it's not my fault! Those trolleys need better security! God, idiot" Faramir says.

"Hey, blame the Rohan Tour Trolley Group" Erkenbrand says.

The men start yelling and punching each other. Just then, a car horn is heard.

"It's the Horn of Gondor" Faramir says.

"Put a cork in it." Boromir growls menacingly.

Just then, Pippin and Merry drive up in a minivan.

"Need a lift, losers" Merry asks.

"YES" Erkenbrand pleads, falling to his knees and sobbing hystarically. He raises his hands to heaven as if praying for deliverance.

"Pull yourself together, man" Boromir says, helping Erkenbrand up.

"Well, get in" Pippin says, as the door automatically opens!

The Men climb in and sit down. Boromir and Erkenbrand sit in the back, and Imrahil and Faramir sit in the middle seats.

"Ok, now, where are you going"

"Edoras." Imrahil says.

"Oh! We're going to Far Harad, so that's great! We have to pick up our tour group." Merry says.

"I was wondering why your van had_ 'Sexy Hobbitses Tours!' _on the side." Boromir says.

"Heheh, we got a bit drunk when we thought up that name..." Pippin chuckles.

"A bit drunk? Pippin, you were flirting with a SHRUB" Merry exclaims.

"Now that's disturbing." Boromir interjects.

"Why don't you watch this lovely Nature documentary about fish and leave me in peace" Pippin asks, flipping down the DVD screen and putting in...Finding Nemo.

"Uh, Pip, this is Finding Nemo." Imrahil says.

"I KNOW! It's a NATURE DOCUMENTARY"

Everyone exchanges weird looks, but they shut up and watch the movie.

_Twenty Minutes Later..._

"Oh, we're on the Road to Rohan, I can't wait to get to Edoras! Come on, sing it with me now"

The Men unenthusiastically sing Merry's Improv Version of On the Road Again.

"I can't hear you"

"SHUT UP, HALFLING" Boromir screams.

"Well, rarrrrr"

"How about we sing a good song? Like, The Hokey Pokey or something good like that." Imrahil asks.

"Ok...hey, what if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about" Boromir asks.

"Whoa..."

_Another 20 minutes later..._

"All out for Edoras." Merry says.

"Yeah, get out." Pippin says, folding up the DVD screen.

"Thanks for the lift." Imrahil says.

"LAND! Sweet land" Erkenbrand says, falling to his knees and kissing the ground.

"Dude, do you have a problem or something? You're freaking me out." Boromir asks.

"It's a Rohan thing. You wouldn't understand."

"I don't think I'd want to even if you did explain."

The Men walk into the Golden Hall and meet King Eomer.

"Hey, Kingy dude" Boromir says, acting all chummy and shit.

"Uh..." Eomer says, looking slightly scared of the Overly-Chummy Boromir.

"NEW ENGLAND WINS! HUZZAH" Screams Grima Wormtongue (let's say he didn't die...), running out from a room and waving around a large Patriot Banner. He has a bottle of Heinken Beer in his hand, as well.

"Uh..."

"WHOOO! TOM BRADY IS MY HERO" Eowyn screams, running out of the same room in a shirt that says 'I LOVE TOM BRADY!'.

"What are you doing here" Eowyn and Faramir say at the same time, upon noticing each other.

"I thought you were at home" Eowyn exclaims.

"Uh oh." Boromir whispers.

"I'm here for a tour of Rohan. Why are you here" Faramir explains.

"I'm here to watch the Super Bowl." Eowyn says.

"Oh. Well, as long as you don't try anything funny with this dude" Faramir says, indicating Grima"I think we're ok."

"Are you implying something" Eowyn asks.

"NO"

"Are you sure? You seemed to be implying something..."

"NO! For the last time. God."

"Well, should we start our tour" Eomer asks.

"Maybe...tomorrow"

So all the Men walk off to sleep. Tomorrow (or whenever) they shall begin their tour of lovely historic Rohan!

* * *

A/N: Sorry about the wait on this stupid story. Anyway, now that we're all caught up and blegh, I'll see you at the next chapter. 


End file.
